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Sibling Rivalry

By Kairen Cullen
2010-07-13 15:04:58

Children don't always welcome the new baby with open arms. Here's how to prepare them for a smooth transition.

Sibling rivalry, the age-old conflict among children in the same family, may arise as siblings vie for their parents’ time, attention, and energy. In a young child’s mind, it is their parents’ very love that is at stake when a new baby comes into the picture. For parents, how the child is handling the arrival of the new baby is frequently a source of worry.

But learning to deal with this behavior head-on will yield some useful lessons for parents and hopefully lead to lasting and strong relationships with children. As with most aspects of parenting, there is no rulebook to follow, but here are some helpful approaches you should consider.

It is important that the routines and familiarity of regular family life continue. The extra physical and emotional work of another child means that this is a time to draw on the support of partners, friends, and relatives. If you can involve your partner or even another adult from the family – sometimes with the new baby and sometimes with the older child – this will free you up to concentrate exclusively on one child while not ignoring the other. This will also help their relationships with each other grow while allowing your older child to gain some independence from you.

It is also vital that you are aware of and manage your own emotions about your growing family. This way, you can be available to help your child with their feelings of loss, anger, and jealousy that a new sibling can trigger. If your child learns it is okay to have both good and bad feelings – and is taught how to deal appropriately with them – it will be a benefit that will last a lifetime.

TELLTALE PROBLEMS OF SIBLING RIVALRY

The beginnings of a problematic sibling rivalry can start even before the new baby is born. As a result of over-enthusiasm or emphasis on the addition of the new baby to the family, a child might feel that he or she is being replaced – or at least that they are losing their parents’ attention and affection, which for an only child has been undivided to this point. Try to keep things in perspective and don’t overwhelm your child with your own excitement. Prepare him or her in a low-key, positive way, pitched at a level that the child can take in and understand.

It is not unusual for children to resent their new sibling to such an extent that they engage in aggressive acts and blatant rejection.

Such behavior is their way of communicating their fear and uncertainty. The younger the child, the more physical and spontaneous the reaction is likely to be, and the more mindful the parents have to be about keeping a careful eye and watching out for any potentially dangerous situations, particularly within the home.

A sign that your child is not coping well with their negative feelings may be a marked deterioration in their behavior, health, or even development, where they might regress to acting younger than they had been previously. This can be an “internalized” response that is often called “acting out.” In these cases you should seek advice and support from your pediatrician or family doctor. However, temporary babyish behavior – such as wanting to act or eat like their younger brother or sister, or wear a diaper – are not a cause for particular concern unless they continue to occur over time.

THE BENEFITS OF BEING OLDER

In most cases, a child’s acting out will be an experimental phase that the older child will become bored with once he or she is used to the new baby. Keep a focus on the benefits of being older, such as often reminders of how helpful they are being to you. Use these times to give them a special age-appropriate treat, like watching a DVD or listening to a story, particularly when baby demands (such as feeding) are highest. Or involve the older child in caring for the baby, as long as the tasks or responsibilities are not too great. Another way to discuss the benefits of being the older sibling is to look at old baby pictures and talk about his or her own early days. This can be reassuring to your child and can instill a sense of protectiveness toward the baby.

Despite all these challenges, the benefits of being a sibling are many. Siblings give each other a head start for learning to cope with the needs and behavior of others. They can also generate and give a lot of love and fun.

As a parent, the love you provide will grow and be repaid from your children to you, to other family members, and to each other.

 

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